1 year, 1 month, 1 week, and 5 days

 I needed a space to write about Phoenix, without making others feel bad to know that I'm still hurting, still grieving.  Some days are still so, so hard and I need a release.  And sometimes I need to reminisce, to make sure I keep those memories crystal clear.  

I find myself desperate to connect with him sometimes.  The Saturday before last we inadvertently wound up on the road to the second place I boarded him - the first place with E.  There are times when I am so angry about how that all wound up because it was a nightmare and I have repressed so much that I've forgotten the good, too.  Driving by the place stirred up some wonderful little wisps of memory, though.

D asked if I wanted to drive right up into the driveway and look around, but I couldn't do it.  I know why: because there is still a part of me - STILL - that thinks he's just "away" somewhere right now, and that he's coming home sometime.  When we drove past that place, there was still a brief little flame that flared up - "hey! maybe he's there!" - that I had to quickly squash.  If we had driven up to the barn, and he hadn't been there, I would have lost him all over again.  So I said no - I wanted that glimmer of false hope to stay flickering somewhere.  But I have to say: ever since that day, it's taken everything in my power not to hop in the car and go back, drive into a stranger's yard and wander around those memories.

So, what I remember from that place, in no particular order:

- This: 

- And this: 

- And this: 

- And this: 

- This is where I discovered he loved to be praised with "Excellent man!" There was a little island in their pasture, full of luscious green grass, but he hated water and wasn't about to cross the stream that ran through in order to get to it.  I went through first and with a LOT of coaxing, finally got him to cross.  I praised him with "excellent man" when he went through and you could see how pleased he was with himself when he heard me say that.  That was a huge victory that day - for his self-confidence and his trust in me.

- That's also where I had the surreal moment of telling Phoenix while he was in the pasture with lots of other horses that a friend's daughter had leukemia.  I asked him for "horsey prayers" and suddenly found myself surrounded with several velvety muzzles all resting lightly on me, gently breathing and communing together.  She recovered and is a vibrant young lady now.  Coincidence?  I think not.

- I first started learning about Clinton Anderson's "Method" while we boarded there and got the opportunity to do some massive desensitizing to horses in harness one Sunday morning when out in the grass riding ring (pictured above).  There was literally about 30 horse & buggy combinations that went by as the Mennonites headed to church and Phee lost his mind with it.  He had a habit of nervous eating - aggressively pulling on me to get to the grass - when he was scared, so when he started doing that, I put his feet to work with the sending exercise back and forth along the rail furthest away and resting him near the road and I don't think I ever had too much trouble with him after that with wagons or sleighs.

- And speaking of Clinton Anderson, Phoenix demonstrated the left brain/right brain philosophy to me one morning when I came down to see him in his stall (bank barn, steps to get down) with a garlic & herb cream cheese bagel in my hand for breakfast.  He was very intrigued and wanted to smell it before eating, but kept going from left nostril to right nostril, over and over, smelling it, and never did decide that he wanted to eat it.  So I ate it instead.  Hah!

- They were using a dark, dusty old machine shed there as a mini riding ring.  It kicked up a terrible amount of dust when you did more than walk (to the point where you could barely see), so I only used it for practicing the basics with him.  E gave lessons in there, though, and one day I was riding while she was instructing another adult and she told him to watch me because I had a good seat and kept my heels down.  I was pretty proud of myself for that, having had no formal lessons and for not having ridden since I was a teenager!

- We were supposed to use cross-ties in that barn to groom, but Phoenix really hated having his head held down like that.  Someone finally showed me I could just tie him with one and that way I could move his feet a bit if he got worked up by other horses coming and going.  Once I saw Clinton's demonstration of the tie ring, though, I never used another cross-tie in my life.  I hate those things - I've heard too many horror stories of horses getting severely injured or dying because of them.

- This doesn't really have anything to do with Phoenix, but that place was where the leopard-spotted Appaloosa, Chance (I think?), had her foal while we were there.  That was a pretty incredible experience - I left the barn and she was just standing there and when I brought Phee back an hour later, there was a baby in the stall with her!  Suddenly, there were two horses there, where before there had been only one.  Sacred.  Miracle.

- Final memory for this post: I was riding Phoenix alone on the side of an alfalfa field that ran along the front of the property and when we turned around to head home, he tried to bolt on me.  Many attempts were made, actually, as he tried to get back to the safety of the barn.  I did all the wrong things - sawing on his mouth, tensing up, etc. the whole ride back.  I look back on that day and remember how scared I was of once again being on a runaway horse as we headed for home...and then think about all the work I put into him and how far we came, where a few years later, I could come home on a loose rein and he could have cared less.  I miss my partner.  So much.