Still Room in My Heart

 This Christmas (2021) seemed in some ways more difficult than the first Christmas without Phoenix.  I don't know why, but it was very emotional at odd times for us.

Part of it was probably that the weather has been horrible here since October: inches of rainfall, day after day.  Heavy rain on clay means mud, and then freezing mud when the temperatures drop.  Onyx was chasing Cosmo through all of it, forcing him out of the shelter and making him stand out in driving downpours.  I think Cosmo also injured his hoof scrambling to get away from Onyx and wound up having a brutal abcess that rendered him almost completely lame for awhile.  Dave couldn't come into the corral because the mud was so thick that it was sucking his boots right off and then his bad knee was getting twisted.  So he would stand, helpless at the gate, while I trudged through (literally) a foot of mud to bring the horses hay three times a day, plus try to muck out the shelter.  It was awful.

So Thanksgiving weekend I'd had enough and drew up a crude sketch on how we could build basic (temporary) stalls for the two of them in the garage using deck block and 2x4's.  It took us a couple of weeks and the help of some good friends, but they now have a safe, dry place to go every night - and to shelter in when it continues to rain all day (yes, even in January).  

As we were building the stalls, we both remarked on how much Phoenix would have loved that - having his own stall again - and we both felt a little guilty, I think, that we hadn't done it when he was alive yet.  Some of my fondest memories of boarding him involved just hanging out with him in the barn, grooming him in the stall or in the aisle, and watching the other activity going on.  That was one part of the racehorse that was with him until his final days: his love of a dedicated space just for him, on "the backstretch."

All of that is what leads me to write again, because last night I had my first good dream of him (there was one other dream right after he died where his neck was broken and as happy as I was to see him, I kept saying "we have to do something - he can't live like this."  I woke up crying from that one.)  Last night, we had built two other stalls - Cosmo and Onyx were where they are now, but it was a larger barn (not our garage) and there were two other stalls along the long wall.  Phoenix was to the left and a chestnut mare was to his right - I think that was Misty, who used to be next to him at Elsa's second place. 

Words cannot describe how thrilled I was to see him in his place.  I ran over to him when I saw he was there and gave him the biggest, longest hug I could muster.  In fact, most of the dream was really just me holding him, wrapping my arms around that powerful chest, hands clasped around his withers, my head resting on his neck and feeling him standing watch over me.  It was wonderful.  

I shed a few tears this morning, too, but mostly because I was so grateful he came to visit.  It reaffirmed that he still has his place here and on some other realm he did get his stall again.  And while I was running water to Onyx and Cosmo this morning, a cardinal was nearby, watching me work.  I thanked him for this poignant, momentous blessing.